Who I am

I know who I am, and I am proud of who I am...

I am not only a Southern girl... I'm a Texan. I am Conservative. I have a heart as big as the West Texas sky. I stand up for what I believe in. I am hard headed. When I get my mind set on something there is nothing you can do to make me stop. I'm as sweet as pie but I have a fightin side a mile wide. I believe in God and Country. There is nothing that can change how I feel about this country. I will stand up and fight for who I am and what I believe in... I believe in our military. I stand behind the men and women willing to lay their life down for us. I believe in working hard.

I am proud of who I am... I am a Patriotic Conservative Christian Texan and there is no changin it!

What I would give...

I would give my right arm to be able to sleep right now. I am so stinkin tired. I don't ever sleep well. It is so frustrating to be utterly exhausted all the time.

Before I got married I could sleep. And then I lived with in laws... I was so annoyed all the time I hardly slept. Now that we are in our own apartment I am able to sleep a lot better but not as good as I used to. I wish I could go curl up in a little ball and sleep forever!!! Maybe someday I will be able to sleep all day again.

We have our room and the guest room/office. I have been sleeping in there lately so I wont keep Carlos up... I don't want to have to sleep in a different room. I have sleeping pills. I take Trazadone. The doctor said that they used to give it as an anti-depressant but they found it didn't help it just makes people sleep (it would have had to sucked to be horribly depressed then not be able to get out of bed... not because of your outlook on life but because of your anti-depressants) Anyways, I am supposed to take a max of 100 mg... I can take 200mg and it not even phase me... I have tried Melatonin... which is supposed to be a natural supplement... It doesn't work either.

I know that I can go get the more intense pills like Ambient or something but I have a very addictive personality and I don't want to get hooked on something. (I finally quit smoking... 39 days!!)

So what do I do to go to sleep??? I need ideas that have worked for other people so that I can get the rest I need.

I'm down...

Right now I am so down in the dumps... I have gained so much weight since I got married and I am miserable. I don't even know how to make it stop... It was so easy to put on the weight... so easy I didn't even see the weight piling on... but now it takes every bit of my to try to get it off. I am up and its 12:15 I should be asleep... but I'm up and freaking out instead!!!

I am scared that every time my leg touches my husbands leg that he is thinking "get that nasty fat leg off of me" Carlos says he doesn't think that and I'm happy he doesn't but it doesn't change how I'm feeling. I almost feel like I should constantly be walking and be on a strict water and laxative diet... (I would never do that).... but I feel like I need some extreme measures.

The Marine Corps Ball is in a month. November 5th. I want to look good. I want to be on Carlos' arm and I want him to want to show me off. Plus there is this female Marine, who is breath taking... I want to feel comfortable standing and talking to her... I don't want people to look at us and think oh look at the HUGE girl tryin to look good.

I know most of this wouldn't happen like people talking about me or Carlos not wanting me to touch him... but right now I feel horrible. I feel like I am the size of a house and my self esteem is so low it is absurd. So what do I do?

I guess I go to bed for tonight.... Get up and start working on being fit and healthy. I guess that's all I can do for now.

I dont like you....

It sucks when people don't like you.... Most people say they don't care if people like them or not... I don't know how true that is.

For me it hurts so badly when people don't like me. I want everyone to like me and I don't understand why some people have to not only "not liked me" but HATED me. I try hard to be nice. I try to be friendly and sweet. I believe that I am a GOOD person... yet I am truly hated and disliked by some people.

I think that the reason that some people dislike me and even hate me is because I do give a lot to others, I do a lot for everyone... but there are limits to what I am willing to do. I will not put my husband on the back burner... and I have also learned limits. I know what I can and can't handle and I will not kill myself just to please someone.

So does it mean that I am not loving my neighbor as myself because I put myself before people. I don't think so. I think that we can only love people as much as we love ourselves. If I am willing to tear myself down and run myself ragged on your behalf how much can I really give to you. And if what I give isn't enough to satisfy everyone then its going to hurt, its going to break my heart, but I don't need you in my life.

This may be harsh, it might be rude, but it is what it is....

Long Time... No Blog....

I am so bad at sticking to things. I said I want to write in my blog at least 3 times a week... and I did good.... for like 2-3 weeks.... then I slacked off. I am really good at doing somethings and sticking to it. I am doing great at sticking to school... and I do great at sticking with relationships. But there are somethings I am no good sticking to... Like diets.... and apparently blogging. haha I get busy and I prioritize. Having priorities is a good thing but I really like to write and then post it on the Internet... So I am going to stick to it.

Lets see what all has happened in the past month... Well... A LOT!!!!

I started school. Its going good and I am very proud of myself. Carlos' niece no longer lives with us... and that is about it. I feel really busy because between school, work, and the desperate need I have to get a life... I am all out of time.

So, again... I am going to try harder and work more to keep this blog up.... Hold me to it people. I need to do this! :o)

Here we GOOOOO.....

I did it. I signed up for classes....

School starts a week from today. Monday Aug 29th I start classes again for the first time in 3 years!!!! AAAHHHH!!!! I only signed up for 2 classes and I figure that is a good place to start. I am going to be taking History before 1866 and Intro to Psyc!!!

I am super excited. I have so much going on in my life right now and I pray that God gives me the ability and the discipline to balance all of them.

I am starting some different things in our church for the children's ministry, starting school, working 30 hours a week, and I still need to give attention and love to my husband!!

I was always envious of the kids in high school who could juggle everything and still make straight A's.

I'm giving myself a vote of confidence and telling myself "You can do this, you can give 100% to everything, you can manage your time wisely, your going to do great!!!!!"

A step in a different direction....

I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life, what I'm doing, what I want to be... You know thinking about my life in general.

I realized that I have a wonderful life. I am beyond blessed. I have a wonderful husband who supports me. God is working wonders in my life and I have a wonderful job.

The delima is I was given the opportunity to get licensed and get a job with Allstate. Its a chance at a career and a chance most people don't get handed to them. I am so grateful for my opportunity. My line for everyone was I just had a career handed to me, all I had to do was study and pass some tests.

All this sounds great except the word career. I have a great job and a great boss. However this is not my calling. I was not made to make sales. I have a passion, I have desires, I have dreams, and goals, and not a single one of these depends on me making sales, sitting in front of a computer all hours of the day and making phone calls. My dreams and passions are children.

I feel like the past few weeks God has been telling me to go into Children's Ministry. I have listened and answered his call and am in the process of going through the motions and hoops to be a Children's Director. For now the job is all volunteer, so I will continue to work at Allstate.

The next goal is to get back to school. I want to go to school and learn. I want to be a teacher, I want to influence as many young people as I can. So, as of now I am in the process of finding out what I need to do to get through school.

Please pray for me. I am so excited about all this. I don't even know what to do with myself I am so excited, but at the same time, I am absolutely terrified.