Who I am

I know who I am, and I am proud of who I am...

I am not only a Southern girl... I'm a Texan. I am Conservative. I have a heart as big as the West Texas sky. I stand up for what I believe in. I am hard headed. When I get my mind set on something there is nothing you can do to make me stop. I'm as sweet as pie but I have a fightin side a mile wide. I believe in God and Country. There is nothing that can change how I feel about this country. I will stand up and fight for who I am and what I believe in... I believe in our military. I stand behind the men and women willing to lay their life down for us. I believe in working hard.

I am proud of who I am... I am a Patriotic Conservative Christian Texan and there is no changin it!

What I would give...

I would give my right arm to be able to sleep right now. I am so stinkin tired. I don't ever sleep well. It is so frustrating to be utterly exhausted all the time.

Before I got married I could sleep. And then I lived with in laws... I was so annoyed all the time I hardly slept. Now that we are in our own apartment I am able to sleep a lot better but not as good as I used to. I wish I could go curl up in a little ball and sleep forever!!! Maybe someday I will be able to sleep all day again.

We have our room and the guest room/office. I have been sleeping in there lately so I wont keep Carlos up... I don't want to have to sleep in a different room. I have sleeping pills. I take Trazadone. The doctor said that they used to give it as an anti-depressant but they found it didn't help it just makes people sleep (it would have had to sucked to be horribly depressed then not be able to get out of bed... not because of your outlook on life but because of your anti-depressants) Anyways, I am supposed to take a max of 100 mg... I can take 200mg and it not even phase me... I have tried Melatonin... which is supposed to be a natural supplement... It doesn't work either.

I know that I can go get the more intense pills like Ambient or something but I have a very addictive personality and I don't want to get hooked on something. (I finally quit smoking... 39 days!!)

So what do I do to go to sleep??? I need ideas that have worked for other people so that I can get the rest I need.

I'm down...

Right now I am so down in the dumps... I have gained so much weight since I got married and I am miserable. I don't even know how to make it stop... It was so easy to put on the weight... so easy I didn't even see the weight piling on... but now it takes every bit of my to try to get it off. I am up and its 12:15 I should be asleep... but I'm up and freaking out instead!!!

I am scared that every time my leg touches my husbands leg that he is thinking "get that nasty fat leg off of me" Carlos says he doesn't think that and I'm happy he doesn't but it doesn't change how I'm feeling. I almost feel like I should constantly be walking and be on a strict water and laxative diet... (I would never do that).... but I feel like I need some extreme measures.

The Marine Corps Ball is in a month. November 5th. I want to look good. I want to be on Carlos' arm and I want him to want to show me off. Plus there is this female Marine, who is breath taking... I want to feel comfortable standing and talking to her... I don't want people to look at us and think oh look at the HUGE girl tryin to look good.

I know most of this wouldn't happen like people talking about me or Carlos not wanting me to touch him... but right now I feel horrible. I feel like I am the size of a house and my self esteem is so low it is absurd. So what do I do?

I guess I go to bed for tonight.... Get up and start working on being fit and healthy. I guess that's all I can do for now.

I dont like you....

It sucks when people don't like you.... Most people say they don't care if people like them or not... I don't know how true that is.

For me it hurts so badly when people don't like me. I want everyone to like me and I don't understand why some people have to not only "not liked me" but HATED me. I try hard to be nice. I try to be friendly and sweet. I believe that I am a GOOD person... yet I am truly hated and disliked by some people.

I think that the reason that some people dislike me and even hate me is because I do give a lot to others, I do a lot for everyone... but there are limits to what I am willing to do. I will not put my husband on the back burner... and I have also learned limits. I know what I can and can't handle and I will not kill myself just to please someone.

So does it mean that I am not loving my neighbor as myself because I put myself before people. I don't think so. I think that we can only love people as much as we love ourselves. If I am willing to tear myself down and run myself ragged on your behalf how much can I really give to you. And if what I give isn't enough to satisfy everyone then its going to hurt, its going to break my heart, but I don't need you in my life.

This may be harsh, it might be rude, but it is what it is....

Long Time... No Blog....

I am so bad at sticking to things. I said I want to write in my blog at least 3 times a week... and I did good.... for like 2-3 weeks.... then I slacked off. I am really good at doing somethings and sticking to it. I am doing great at sticking to school... and I do great at sticking with relationships. But there are somethings I am no good sticking to... Like diets.... and apparently blogging. haha I get busy and I prioritize. Having priorities is a good thing but I really like to write and then post it on the Internet... So I am going to stick to it.

Lets see what all has happened in the past month... Well... A LOT!!!!

I started school. Its going good and I am very proud of myself. Carlos' niece no longer lives with us... and that is about it. I feel really busy because between school, work, and the desperate need I have to get a life... I am all out of time.

So, again... I am going to try harder and work more to keep this blog up.... Hold me to it people. I need to do this! :o)

Here we GOOOOO.....

I did it. I signed up for classes....

School starts a week from today. Monday Aug 29th I start classes again for the first time in 3 years!!!! AAAHHHH!!!! I only signed up for 2 classes and I figure that is a good place to start. I am going to be taking History before 1866 and Intro to Psyc!!!

I am super excited. I have so much going on in my life right now and I pray that God gives me the ability and the discipline to balance all of them.

I am starting some different things in our church for the children's ministry, starting school, working 30 hours a week, and I still need to give attention and love to my husband!!

I was always envious of the kids in high school who could juggle everything and still make straight A's.

I'm giving myself a vote of confidence and telling myself "You can do this, you can give 100% to everything, you can manage your time wisely, your going to do great!!!!!"

A step in a different direction....

I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life, what I'm doing, what I want to be... You know thinking about my life in general.

I realized that I have a wonderful life. I am beyond blessed. I have a wonderful husband who supports me. God is working wonders in my life and I have a wonderful job.

The delima is I was given the opportunity to get licensed and get a job with Allstate. Its a chance at a career and a chance most people don't get handed to them. I am so grateful for my opportunity. My line for everyone was I just had a career handed to me, all I had to do was study and pass some tests.

All this sounds great except the word career. I have a great job and a great boss. However this is not my calling. I was not made to make sales. I have a passion, I have desires, I have dreams, and goals, and not a single one of these depends on me making sales, sitting in front of a computer all hours of the day and making phone calls. My dreams and passions are children.

I feel like the past few weeks God has been telling me to go into Children's Ministry. I have listened and answered his call and am in the process of going through the motions and hoops to be a Children's Director. For now the job is all volunteer, so I will continue to work at Allstate.

The next goal is to get back to school. I want to go to school and learn. I want to be a teacher, I want to influence as many young people as I can. So, as of now I am in the process of finding out what I need to do to get through school.

Please pray for me. I am so excited about all this. I don't even know what to do with myself I am so excited, but at the same time, I am absolutely terrified.

This is going to be so difficult!!!!

I have been smoking for a LONG time... Since I was 16. I am now 22. That is 6 years. I want to quit so badly but it seems almost impossible.

I can do good with how much I smoke or how often but when I get home and its late... Like now its 9pm, I want to smoke and smoke a lot!!!

There are so many bad things about smoking, I know the list. All the Cancer, all the difficulty of breathing. I get it. Yet it is still so hard.

I am going to try with every bit of who I am to try to stop smoking for good. I want to never have to pick up a cigarette and lighter again. I could save tons and tons of money by not spending $8 a pack 3-4 times a week.

So, wish me luck... say a prayer. I need all the support I can get. Here goes a super hard fight!!!

Trust and Obey

I am a 22 year old licensed sales producer for Allstate. I am a wife, a church member, an aunt and, hopefully soon, be a mom.

I am already so busy with everything that goes on in my life. I want to do more though. I want to be involved more in my church. I want to do more with my job.

How do you budget your time? I was never good at taking time to work on school, or balance friends and work. How do I start this.

Right now in my life I want to relax. A lot has gone on with me and there has been a lot of hurt since 2007. 4 years of confusion. 4 years of struggles. 4 years of not letting go and letting God be in control.

I am ready to let go of what I think is best for me and my life and I want to let God be in control of me completely. I was raised in a church, I know the Bible. I know all the right christian things to say. I was involved in church heavily when I was in 9-11th grade. I quit going to church and turned away from people who loved me because I felt as if Christianity was used as a weapon and as a tool instead of a way of life and a way to show God's love.

I want to make a stand again for who I am. I want to make a stand for what I believe a christian is.

However, I am scared. I have my husband out here and I have good friends who love me and support me. They know my thoughts, my heart, and my beliefs and they accept me. The problem is that they don't all believe the same things that I believe. My husband does, and I know one of my girl friends believes close to what I believe. But I am scared of rejection. I am scared of being so far away from my family and being ridiculed for practicing what I believe.

I have always believed in God, I've always had a relationship with him. But I also know that it says in John 15:18-19 " If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

I am scared of being "hated" and not loved. In return to the hate that I KNOW will come, I don't want to start to use the Bible and my "religion" as a weapon. Christ taught love. He turned the other cheek, He sacrificed for us. So what do I do from here?

I take a step of faith. I follow the will of God, even though I am scared. Even though I don't know where it will lead me. I follow and I obey.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

What is a Home?!?!?

The definition of home is the place where one lives. But is a home not much more than that?

When I was 20 my parent divorced. I was upset that my home was being destroyed. I got married shortly after their divorce was final. I was happy as could be getting married to Carlos. I moved from Pearland TX to Flagstaff AZ. I hated it here. I didn't know where I belonged. I knew I was supposed to be with my husband but I didn't have a home. Carlos and I lived with his parents. I was and still am grateful for them letting us live with them. But I was not at home. I felt lost there. I felt as if my privacy was always invaded. I would get off work and drive around town forever avoiding going to their house. I couldn't possibly go to a home where I didn't feel like I had a place.

This past weekend Carlos and I moved to a little apartment. Its small, its nothing great, but its home. This apartment is perfect. Its everything that I lost when my parents divorced. It is a HOME.

When I was little my dad always told me that outside these four walls of our home the world is mean it will tear you down and it will make you want to die, but inside these four walls we will love each other, we will encourage each other. We were like any other family, we fought, we yelled and screamed from time to time, but for the most part we were loving. I knew that no matter what happened in life that I was going to be OK. I was going to have a home... I would always have a place to be safe and to be who I am.

I lost that home when my parents divorced and I moved out to Flagstaff.

Now as of August 12th 2011 I have a home again.

In our home we are happy, we are loving. I am free to be who I want to be. I am free to be loud and crazy. I am free to be silent and write in my blog. I am free. To be free is a wonderful feeling and I love being free.

Home is more than the place you live. Home is where you are free, safe and loved! Home is our little apartment.

You dont have any Talent!!!!

Sometimes when you look back at the people you went to high school with, you see all the different things they have accomplished. You see all the talent that they have and you start to wonder "What's my talent? What can I do?"

Everyone has a different talent. Some people are musically inclined, some people its smarts, some people its their athletic ability. Everyone has a talent... so what's mine?

I hear my husband and my close friends and family tell me that I'm a great person, that I'm loving, things like that. But is that a talent? Is that not just my personality?

I think I need to take the person God has made me into, and show the world that I am talented too. I have an imagination, I'm not stupid, I believe I can do things. The thing I lack is drive. I know everyone has a talent be it one thing or another. The difference in me and someone famous, rich, and well known is the drive. Its the dedication to make yourself known. I don't want to be famous or a movie star or anything like that, however I do know I want to be PROUD of who I am.

I know a lot of times I don't see the good in me. I don't see the talent and gifts I've been given. I also know there are a lot of people out there who also don't see themselves in that light.

What can we do to change that? Changing your views on yourself is such a hard thing to do.

The first and simplest thing I am trying to do, is when I get a complement I will say "Thank you." Most of the time when I get a complement, I start talking about someone else, or I'll say "Oh, OK your crazy." When my husband tells me I'm beautiful most of the time I tell him, "Don't go get your eyes checked, I know you'll end up leaving me." I always say it in a fun joking way, but if I didn't believe what I was telling him then why would I always say it?!?!?

Today, I will start to make a conscience effort to say "Thank you" when I get complemented. I will make an effort to see what it is that others see in me that way I can believe in my "talents" and show the world how gifted I am.

The BEST Kiss EVER!!!!

There is nothing better than having a wonderful kiss... you know the kind where you feel like your walking on a cloud, the kind where you can't stop kissing that person because the high you get is way better than anything else on earth.

The best kiss I ever had was on my wedding day. When I was able to kiss my HUSBAND for the very first time it was euphoric. I didn't care who was watching and the look on his face after we kissed was priceless.

I wish I could start everyday off with that same kiss and end everyday with it. Yes, I get to kiss Carlos every morning and every night, but I don't get the same rush of emotions or the butterflies.

So how do you keep that feeling in a marriage or in a long term relationship?

I think the key to having the best kiss ever played over and over again is to keep your love strong and alive. Your not going to get that kiss every time... but it will still come.

Ok, so how do we keep the love strong and alive?!?!?!?

I have told Carlos before that I miss the excitement of a new relationship... I miss how I couldn't go 5 mins without talking to him or talking about him. He told me that I have to get used to it because were married and things aren't new and exciting anymore its just us and we know each other. Well, I don't want to accept that. I still cant stand the thought of us not talking all the time. I cant stop talking about him. He is everything to me. So what I have discovered is that we have to continue to get to know each other. We have to talk about everything. The more that I learn about Carlos the more I love him.

The times when I learn something new about Carlos or see him do things that I adore, or even just watching him be who he is... I kiss him...and I get to experience the BEST KISS EVER all over again!!

Don't Stop Believing...

I saw a quote today and I feel in love with it... "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." - Audrey Hepburn

This quote reminded me so much of who I am, and how badly I want to get back to who I am. I have found that it is so easy to lose yourself in the crazy, hectic, stressful life we all live. I am a dreamer. I always have been I always will be. I choose to believe in the good of all people, I choose to believe in real life princesses and fairy tales.

You see life can get so scary, it can consume you and rob you of your innocence and joy. But when life starts to take you over and you feel consumed that is when you have to stand up and fight for what you believe in, you fight for your dreams, you fight to maintain a happy outlook on life, you fight to keep your self safe!

When I was younger I believed in EVERYTHING... frogs turning into a prince, unicorns, rainbows with leperchauns at the end of them, I believed someday I would get to meet my fairy god mother. And of course I believed that lighting bugs were really fairies. I believed I could talk to the animals like Dr. Dolittle. I was full of life, of imagination, of innocence and of joy.

Thru everything life has thrown at me, I am still true to the things I believe. I'm not as naive as I was when I was 6, however I still choose to believe the good in the world, the beauty of life, the magic of love. When I believe things whole heatedly like I do I find the hardest part of believing something is the realization that others aren't going to feel the same. You might not have the same beliefs as me and that is fine. We are all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions. However, sometimes (lets make that most of the time) I don't understand why people don't think the same and believe the same as me. I believe in the little things so much and have so much faith that I cant wrap my mind around someone not agreeing.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that... I started to loose faith in all the things I believed in the past year or so. Life has thrown me tons of curve balls. When I saw that quote today, I realized, like a light bulb going off in my head, that it doesn't matter how old I get, what happens in life, or what anyone says what I believe makes me who I am.

So, I will never give up on believing in the fairy tales, the miracles, the beauty of life, or love.

I'm forgetful....

I wanted to start this blog and I did a while back and I thought it was going pretty good I was getting out there and writing about what I feel... then I got lazy! So I have to get back to this. I think I will set a goal of making at least 3 post every week. That's not too much, I think I can write about whatever I feel like at least 3 times a week...

Y'all hold me to it now! :o)

God... This hurts!!

I am in so much pain right now... So here is the DL on whats goin on with me... I had a spot that was really sensitive by my vag... ya know this is goin to get kinda gross so you might not wanna hear... but I was in pain with it and it started to get worse and worse... i thought that it was some sorta infection that might have come from my tampon. I tried to get in the DR and there wasn't anyone that could take me... so I decided that Friday after work i would take myself to the ER and see what was going on because the pain was becoming unbearable.

I went to the ER and they said that I had a glad by my business that quit working. So they had to do a procedure to fix it... They put me out and lanced it and then put in a catheter... they said the catheter will strain all the infection that was caused because the back up in my gland. After that someway or another my catheter got ripped out and they had to put a new one in... The sucky part is that the DR didn't give me any meds before they did it. So I was in an extreme amount of pain.

They sent me home Friday night and Saturday I was in so much more pain and my fever had started that Carlos and I decided to go back to the ER. We went they said everything looked fine and I am going to be uncomfortable but I am ok... Well the pain was so bad that nothing helped... no morphine, no hydro, no nothing!! It sucks.

So now I'm stuck here and I am in so much pain its unreal... I don't know how to handle it. My business is all swollen and black and blue and purple. It hurts so badly. Tomorrow I am going in for a walk in appt to make sure another infection hasnt come up, because of all the swelling and the discoloration. If the DR cant figure out whats going on then Carlos and I are going to be going to PHX for a second opinion this weekend. We need answers badly.

I know this might be a bad thing or it could be nothing but its scary because its right by where my babies will come from. I want a big family some day... Everything that I have read online says that it could either be an STD or some scary cancer... Considering They checked for all STD's when I went for my well woman check 2 weeks ago and I'm only with my husband it cant be that. Plus when i was diagnosed with Skin Cancer at 19 I have been terrified that everything is cancer from here on out.

So now you know whats going on with me... what do you think it is. I have looked up things on WebMD. Also I dont know the exact diagnosis that the DR said it was so it leaves me a little clueless.

My 10 Guilty Pleasures!!!

We all have it... Little things that just send us over the top... Things that we most likely don’t want other people to know about; but they are things that we do as often as we can and always in secrecy. I have a hard time exploring my guilty pleasures right now because I live with so many people. I don’t want to have to share my quirks with others but those times I can get away I can’t help but indulge myself.

1. SSSHHH I'm not here- I love to hide... I enjoy being alone and when I don’t want to be around other people I like to go curl up in my room with the door shut and locked... curtains closed.... and the radio blasting. I don’t want people to hear me if I am talking to myself (which I do a lot), I don’t want people to hear me singing at the top of my lungs. (I know I sure as hell don’t sound like Mariah Carey).

2. "Cough-Cough" I think I'm sick- I love to "get sick". Have a killer head ache, Stomach issues, something simple but still too much to go to work. I like getting up in the morning and getting ready for work... walking out the door and getting in the car, then calling into work while I'm on my way to IHOP to pig out on some French Toast and coffee. I will spend the entire day going all over town, shopping, and reading books at Barnes and Nobel. Then I make it home at the same time I normally do when I work, and when people ask me how was your day? How was work? I always say, "oh, it was good... ya know it was work."

3. AWWW Look at the sweet puppy- probably 75% of the time when no one is around I find myself wondering around the pound. I love to look and play with all the different animals. I don’t mind people going with me to the pound but I don’t think anyone realizes how much I really do it. I just want to get away and go play with some animals... it tends to get me into trouble though because I always end up begging my husband for another animal. Too bad we don’t have our own home right now because if we did I wouldn’t even ask I would just bring all sorts of animals home.

4. I'm going to be the size of a HOUSE- Little Debbie... She is my girl... my best friend to be exact.... But don’t tell Lays... He thinks he is my best friend too!! I love to have days where I eat nothing but junk food. I will bounce back and forth between Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and Flaming Hot Fritos. I will pig out till I feel like I am going to explode.... wait 5 minutes and eat some more. I have been known to eat an entire half gallon of Blue Bell Ice Cream!!! Rocky Road is the BEST!!!

5. BEDAZZLED- I love to cover things in glitter or in rhinestones... You should see the inside of my car!! I have a rhinestone shifter, rhinestone cigar lighter, and there are rhinestones my husband and I super glued all over the radio! If I could make everything sparkle I would. When we go out dancing or to the bar, or really anywhere I have to glitter myself too.... Body spray that has glitter, bronzer with glitter, and of course it wouldn’t be a normal day without glitter eye shadow. This life can be a little boring I have to liven things up with GLITTER!!!

6. 80's & 90's- "Girls just wanna have fun"- "I'm a Barbie Girl"- "Pour some sugar on me"- I love jamming out in the car to 80's and 90's music!! It is such a freeing experience!! To scream out the words while your shaking every part of your body. People in other cars will look at you like your crazy but who cares... I can almost guarantee you that they know the words to the songs too.

7. Fuzzy Wuzzy- There is nothing better than Fuzzy Socks... They keep your feet warm... they make your feet look like Muppet feet and you can slide clear across the house with fuzzy socks on. What better way to get across the living room than to run and slide? How else are you going to make cleaning the kitchen fun? You have to slide from one place to another and nothing works better to help you slide than fuzzy socks! (Don’t forget to listen to Michael Jackson when you’re sliding... oh and grab your crouch)

8. "O-klahoma"- I adore musicals... I can watch them all day and all night... My biggest thing is when no one is around I replay the different songs in the musical and watch them over and over again and try to learn all the words and the dance moves... but I got to tell you my little feet can’t keep up with the greats like Fred Astaire, Ginger Rodgers, or Judy Garland.

9. Where's the Whiskey- I'm not a huge drinker... I enjoy a drink here and there but not all the time... But I like to get crazy from time to time and drink like a Frat boy. I want shots and shots and more shots. I think I am really hard core at these times and will try to drink anyone under the table. However I always regret it the next morning... but it’s always fun to get a little crazy and do things out of the ordinary.

10. Reality??- It’s like my heroin... Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, Jerseylicious, Bad Girls Club, Horrible TV... That’s what does it for me! I love watching Reality TV; my three favorite channels are MTV, Bravo, and Oxygen. There is something so captivating about reality shows.... I have to admit more than once have I spent 15+ consecutive hours watching shows like "flavor of Love" with FLAVA-FLAV... and don’t even get me started on John and Kate plus 8.

So now you know my 10 guilty pleasures... It is what it is... I'm not trying to hide it... This is me... take it or leave it!

Crazy Dreams

Do you have tons of dreams? Sometimes I have so many and other times I go forever without a dream. I love to have dreams. I think it’s exciting to wake up and tell people what just happened in my dream.

Last night I dreamt I was walking down this path... there were tons of trees everywhere and lots of little animals... it looked like a mix between a Thomas Kinkaid painting and Snow White. While I was walking I was listening to the wind in the trees; it sounded like someone was talking. The voice was deep and it made everything rumble. It was saying my name over and over again. It scared me so I never answered the voice I just kept walking. I guess I thought if I ignored it the voice would leave me alone.

After I made it thru the woods, the path ended at a stream. I knelt down and got some water in my hands and the water tasted sweet. I was so thirsty that I drank and drank and drank and before I knew it the stream was dried up. I was looking at the fish gasp for air and flop around on the ground.

I looked around and noticed the deep voice had quit calling my name, I said hello, and there was a rumble in the ground and a huge gust of wind. Then out of nowhere the stream started filling with water again. I sat there basking in the sun and watched the fish swim around in a stream full of crystal clear water.

I don’t know why I was dreaming that... and I'm not someone who can analyze dreams but I do know I woke up at peace and had the most restful sleep in a very long time.

Heros... Do they still exist?

When I was a little girl I had so many heroes... My Daddy, Superman, Davy Crockett, and Jesus! But now that I'm not little and I realized that the world is in need of real heroes I question that they are even still around.

Where is Superman to save the world and always protect and save Louis Lane... what about Spiderman? He saves the world and always protects Mary Jane.

Where is my hero to save the world and to always protect me?

The Webster definition of a hero is a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability... It’s kind of sad to look it up and see that they are "mythological" figure. So now that I know Superman isn’t real; who is left to be the hero in this crazy, hectic world?

To me I have some hero's. Jesus Christ is one. You might not be religious or even believe the same things I believe but I know I have faith. Inside that faith I see Jesus as someone who came to save us from ourselves. Without him I don’t know where I would be. I would be wondering thru this life aimlessly. Even though sometimes I feel as if I am living aimlessly I know that God has plans for me. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I have an earthly hero also, my husband. Carlos is my hero; the definition said a hero has great strength or ability. Well, Carlos has both. Carlos isn’t just strong in the sense of muscles he is has a strong spirit. He is able to look at all the bad in the world and still see some good. Carlos is my hero for more than just what he can do for me but he is my hero because he chooses without question to do things for me. No one ever had to ask Superman or Spiderman to save the world... they did it because they wanted to. Carlos saves me from so much bad in the world because of the love he has for me.

Do other people still believe in heroes? Do you have a hero? I know that I do. Even though this world is hard... its mean... and we are all in need of saving; do you still believe in heroes or have you given up and just let the world take you over?

Do you have trust issues???

I know I sure as hell do... I have trouble trusting anyone. I have found that people even though they don’t always mean to; people let you down. People break your heart... people walk all over you.

I tell our niece Saraya, that she has to learn not to put people up on a pedestal. Because when we do that they are on a "god" level and they aren't God. They are human they will let us down, they will brake promises, and they will hurt us. Most of the time people don’t hurt others on purpose but it still happens.

Someone promises to take you somewhere or do something with you and then they don’t. They forget, something comes up, or maybe they just don’t want to do it anymore. Some people promise they will never hurt you.... that’s the worse one you can do to someone... you make a promise you know without a doubt that someday you will break. Someday you will mess up how you word something and tear someone down... or maybe your just having an off day and you cancel plans on someone who has had their heart set on one thing or another and now they are let down.

People always let you down... That is one of the hardest lessons in life.

I wish people didn’t let each other down I wish we could all keep our word but we cant... how can we control everything out there... We are just mere humans... We don’t control the tides of the sea or the wind blowing the trees... we are just here. We do the best that we can with what we have; our resources and our time.

Even though we aren’t perfect and we are going to hurt each other one way or another it doesn’t mean that we don’t try to improve. It doesn’t mean we have an excuse to treat each other like scum. Out of respect for each of the people we come into contact with we need to try to make things right... keep promises, watch how we talk to people and try to keep our word.

I know if everyone did that our trust issues would be so much smaller... but with no effort on peoples fault we have a HUGE problem trusting any and everyone.

My Life...

So I'm in a rough place in life... I don’t quite know what to do or how to do it... I feel lost... And the thing is I don’t even know why!!

I am overwhelmed... You see I am 22... Married to my best friend... but I hate where I am... I don’t hate my husband don’t get me wrong! I adore Carlos. He makes me happy and makes me laugh... But other than him I hate where I am. I am in need of change I need to make a life for myself and my husband and tell the rest of the world to get out of my way or go to Hell. But before I can start making my way I have to find what it is that I am meant to do!!! Now that’s where I am really stuck...

What in the #?*! do I do with my life... I don’t mind working and I love the job I have now. I work for an Insurance company and I sell insurance... But I want freedom... I want to be able to pack my things and leave... I want the life of a Gypsy... I want to travel here to there doing as a please and making a little money on the way; when I get tired of one place I will go to another. And I don’t want anyone to be able to tell me no.

If I'm not doing anything wrong or breaking any laws then I feel I should have the freedom to do as I damn well please.

But still I'm faced with a problem... My husband is in the Marine Corps and I can't just up and leave because of his commitment to the Marines... So now what? Maybe I don’t want to be a Gypsy... Maybe I want to just settle into a little place away from everyone and everything and make a life for Carlos and I away from it all.

But is it always good to run away from everything? Probably not. But you want to know a little secret??? I DONT CARE!!! You see I want to be happy and I will be happy one way or another... I just have to get away from the situation that I am in to make things better.

Still I can’t get away now... so what do I do in the mean time to keep my sanity and to keep me from jumping head first off the sears tower??? Should I become obsessed with an image.... be it a body image or a celebrity.... that doesn’t sound very fun! I think I’ll pass on that one. Should I become obsessed with cooking? I love food... but I will be the size of a house before you know it. Or should I just write all my thoughts and feelings down here and share them with anyone and everyone who cares enough to read it???

I think that is what I will do... you will hear everything on here... serious thoughts and issues to stupid funny things I hear... you will get my emotions you will get my life.... take it or leave it... but whatever you do be gentle with it... because this is MY LIFE!